she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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