My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
