All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize