i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
