Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
