I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
