well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
