Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
