enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
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If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
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He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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