But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
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Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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