Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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