You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
