Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize