I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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