I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
