Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He did a backflip because drugs
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