I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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