I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
