i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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