Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
