Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
