what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
