i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
