Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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