she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
