so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
