I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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