You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
