I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
