Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
