party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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