There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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