YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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