The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
