I think I won the penis lottery.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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