Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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