Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
