he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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