Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
