I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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