I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
