Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
my liver is dry heaving
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
