My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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