I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
