ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
