Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
