Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
These tits shall not be calmed
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
