Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
