i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
