24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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