do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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