White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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