hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
