if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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